Welcome to the club sister! We all do that!
It’s so annoying when kids don’t do what we say, ask, command, plead or beg!
So while yelling at kids is one way to cope, it is not the healthy road (both for you and them) and there are actually many techniques to get them to do what you want without raising your voice or losing your cool.
A few months ago I found myself acting inpatient and snappy, and just not a fun person to be around. At some point, I just had to stop, think and ask myself WHY? Why am I feeling annoyed? Why am I so impatient? What is triggering these emotions that are popping up on a daily basis and interfering with my parenting job. Is it really the kids, or is it just me under it all?
I have always wanted to be a mother, and like you, had those romantic pictures of me gracefully breastfeeding a child in my arms, putting them to sleep in their crib peacefully and having enough time to rest myself as well. Create gourmet meals for my beloved family and just feel happy and joyous every single day.
Then reality hit me.
Breastfeeding didn’t work. Sleep was a fairytale. Meals had to be quick and easy. And quite frankly, before the day had even begun I was waiting to end it and just get to bed. Not fun!
We all go through these periods; some of us do it with love, patience and grace. Some of us (me included) find it extremely challenging and can’t wait for kids to just grow up (or like my pissed off mom used to say “can’t wait for you to get married already and become your husbands burden”). Sounds terrible right? Well it is.
But, then you realize you’ve spent two years of your life just getting through the day. You can’t even remember how your child smelled like, or how their skin and hair felt like when they were little, or just a moment when you stopped to enjoy the look in their gorgeous eyes. We are so lucky to have our smart phones on us all the time, so how come I haven’t photographed my kids for months!
So what’s the secret? What should you do in order to experience the joy of parenting while learning how to manage your own feelings and charged emotions. In my opinion, the fact that we are parents doesn’t mean we’ve suddenly become grown ups. Unfortunately, I see it all the time in families – adults are becoming parents but are still children inside.
Unless we learn how to parent ourselves and deal with our crap, not on the expense of our children, we’ll never be able to fully enjoy the difficult work of parenting.
One of the things that keep me sane is reading. Books have answers to all the questions in the world. So when I feel unsure or scared, I grab a book on the topic and come up with a plan to fix that particular issue.
Since reading about parenting I feel like I’ve become a more rational and relaxed mom. I’ve learned that we must respect our children and remember that their agenda is different that ours. I’m also realizing that we must be thankful to our children for willingly go to school and daycare and not take this for granted. They are human beings and I’ve decided to bring them to this world, therefore I have to be willing to take responsibility and include some of their wants, needs and aspirations into my day. One of the things that really changed my thinking was the idea of being compassionate to my kids perspective. They wake up at 6:30am and are out of the door at 8:30am not to be back home until 6pm! This is a long day for kids, and I’ve learned to respect the fact they are tired, annoyed, agitated, clingy and needy, I would be too!
There’s a lot to say, but for now I just want you to be open to accept a different way of thinking. When you are open to receive new ideas, your mind shifts and you no longer stay the same – and that, my love, is real growth.
Below I’ve compiled a list of books on the topic of parenting that save my sanity and help me be a better mother to my beloved kids:
This is so far my favourite parenting book! Dr. Markham does an excellent job presenting kids perspective on life and really teaches you how to make that crucial change in your mind. Yelling at kids is unhealthy for us parents, but also for the kids. Each time we yell at kids they are getting the message that the world is not a safe place and that they cannot trust you (the person who’ve brought them into the world). If they cannot trust their parents, who can they trust? Their peers? The media? The street? This book teaches you how to preserve the relationship with your kids and how that is the best leverage you have to help them be happy, independent, confident little souls.I highly recommend you getting your hands on this book!
Dr. Markham also has a free newlsetter that you can sign up for here. It is really helpful to have those weekly reminders to be calm and connect with your kids.
This is another excellent parenting book, which gives you practical solutions to everyday parenting challenges. The book is very easy to read (I read it in two days), and I love that the author gives you examples of the exact wording you should use to communicate better with your kids, how to ask, when to ask and when is it better to just give up and try a different method later.
This is a fun book! Play is how kids learn (and adults too). Kids thrive on play. They develop through play, understand the world through play, and gain confidence through play. Sometimes we get so caught up with our busy days that we don’t take the time to PLAY with our kids – I am so guilty of this! This book not only teaches you the importance of play but also gives yo excellent ideas for games with kids of all ages, and also will teach you how to diffuse emotions and difficult situations through laughter and giggles. Laughter is a very powerful healing tool and we must know how to use it to help our kids grow up to be confident and resilient human beings.
Amy McCready is the creator of Positive Parenting Solutions, an online course which teaches parents specifically how not to yell, and connect with kids through positive parenting tactics. I haven’t read the book but am going through this online program and so far found it very helpful, especially during those stressful mornings, miserable bedtimes, non-stop whining, sibling woes and backtalk. I’ve heard really good things about the book and am going to get it after I’m done with the course.
This is a great book which talks about how to put down the phone, let go of the “urgent” things on the last list and to actually ENJOY your kids, rather than trying to rush through the ups and downs of the day. This book is a great resource as it has a list of ways you can use to be less distracted and more present as a mother. For me this book has been a great reminder to stop worrying about the breadcrumbs on the floor, piles of laundry, and undone beds. Instead, I’m learning how to dance in the kitchen, laugh more and do what matters most – my kids! I used to think of myself as a happy and fun person, motherhood definitely changed that about me. Can’t believe I actually have to learn to be silly! but yeah, you can say that’s what I’ve learned with this book. A great read!
Did you like this blog post? Share it with your mommy friends so that they can also learn how to stop yelling at kids and connect with them instead.
Do you have other books on this topic? I’d love to get your book recommendations, post them in the comments below.
To your family’s health!