On Air Coaching: When Overgiving Sucks The Joy, Happiness and Health Out Of You With Jessica (ep-91)

Today on the show you will meet Jessica who is a wife and mama of three children. Jessica sought my help because she feels like she’s struggling with managing her reactions to the kids and her husband and just in general not feeling supported or acknowledged by her family. As you will hear on the call, Jessica is very self-aware and understands that the source of this feeling is not prioritizing herself regularly and as the call progresses you will hear how together we make the connection between her health and menstrual cycle to why she feels the way she does.

As you listen, consider these questions:

  • Do you also feel like you have difficulty managing your reactions to your kids and their behaviors
  • Do you feel low on energy and your mood during certain times of the month is not how you’d like it to be.
  • Do you also feel like you’d like to be a nice and sweet mom but all you are preoccupied with is the logistics of how to make your house run smoother, kids to listen and comply with what you ask them to do, and just to have a sense that your house is a home and everyone who lives in it (including you) is enjoying the comfort and the good and positive atmosphere of it?
  • Do you feel like motherhood and raising a family is a job or duty and as a result, you tend to not prioritize connection with your husband?
  • Do you also feel like after having kids you and your partner are like “two passing ships” or roommates?
  • Do you also crave to feel more joy in your life?

Can you relate to Jessica?

  • Did you guys see the irony in this call? Jessica’s biggest challenge is that she’s struggling with managing her reactions to her kids, she’s struggling with forgiving them for their behavior. She’s struggling with feeling connected to her husband and making time for their relationship, and yet her core desired feeling is joy and when I asked her what sparks her joy she said “spending time with my family”.
  • Deep down inside Jessica knows that the reason she feels out of alignment or out of integrity with herself is because she already has the family and the husband and everything she really wants but for some reason, there’s a disconnect, she doesn’t feel joyful even though she has what she thought would bring her joy. I am sure if I’ve done some more digging I’d find more jewels and more clues to what truly spark joy for her, but even with this little bit, she’s been able to identify that the reason she doesn’t feel joy is that she is not taking care of herself. As the conductor of her life and family she’s been overgiving and taking care of everyone else’s needs but her own and that makes her feel disconnected from herself. When we are disconnected from ourselves we cannot feel, and when we don’t feel like we’re engaging with life in a satisfying manner what makes us different than robots or machines?
  • Can you relate to Jessica’s behavior or habits around food? She said that when she goes to work she will make something healthy for herself to eat and when she’s home it’s rarely a meal, in most cases she’ll snack throughout the day, or eat her daughters’ leftovers?
  • Do you also eat out of boredom and

Jessica’s key insights and AHA’s: 

  • She is a great mom and wife even if she doesn’t believe she is. On the call today, Jessica has discovered that eating in alignment with her menstrual cycle and tuning into the rhythm and pace of her female body will be helpful as a form of radical self care in a way that doesn’t feel like a chore, job, extra work or exuding energy out of you every time you do it. In other words, her health message is to bring a more sustainable style of eating into her home. Let’s be honest, as busy moms we eat our kids’ leftovers and scraps a lot. But what if what you feed them is actually what you need to eat in the current menstrual phase that you are in? This way you are not neglecting your needs and their needs. This way you are actually setting yourself up for success rather than failure and burnout.
  • Are you also on the Mirena IUD and don’t menstruate? Do you, like Jessica, feel out of touch with yourself? Like I said on the call, the IUD is one of the best contraceptives for women who are in long term relationships but stopping your bleed altogether is not a good idea from a women’s health perspective. Having a bleed once a month is good for you, it is healthy. This is how your body is designed to work, so if you are intentional, deliberately stopping your bleed you are basically communicating to the universe or your creator that bleeding is inconvenient and a nuisance for you. That you don’t like being a female. Let’s face it, at the end of the day that’s what makes us different than men, right? I’ve worked with many women who, while being on the Mirena IUD, felt like they are confused, agitated, overwhelmed, too stressed, too overworked, go-go-go, nonstop in the doing, giving and providing for others. Caring and being of service to others without ever giving themselves permission to stop, pause, exhale, rest, restore, and yes to bleed! First and foremost, your bleed is good for you on a physical level. Your weight, blood pressure, and heart rate are standard measurements doctors use to gauge your health. But your period is another way you can spot when something is off from within. For example, if you’re experiencing sudden shifts when it comes to how heavy your flow is, where your cramps rank on the pain scale, spotting between cycles, and other unexplained changes are all clues your period is sending out to let you know that something might be wrong. It could be a minor and benign issue—but it may also be an SOS signal to something serious you won’t want to put off. So my advice to women is to stay away from anything that eliminates or alters their periods in any way. If you need someone to talk to about this please reach out to me, you can DM me on IG @healthbeginswithmom, or talk to your doctor on other options.
  • As women when we ignore our need to rest and restore we lose our grit and excitement for life. We become disconnected from ourselves and what we want and desire and creativity. It directly affects our creative force as our creativity, remember that for us women, our creative force comes from our womb.
  • If you are in transition and are looking into other contraceptives while you still don’t bleed, you can still benefit from cyclicality by tuning into the phases of the moon.
  • As women who are aging, we don’t have to be deteriorating.

Here are some practical and tangible suggestions Jessica can try so that she can start embodying self-trust and feel connected to herself again: 

  • Running a home can definitely feel like an important responsibility and duty and it is. But, what I was struggling with for many years is the question – how can I run a loving, warm, productive and efficient home and feel joyful and happy all at the same time? So many wives and moms feel like the entire household is in their realm of responsibility and when we become too dutiful or feel like we’re obligated to do something very quickly we find ourselves being depleted and starving for joy or happiness and struggling to find the time to do what we want to do. Whether it is curl up in bed with a captivating story, or a bubble bath just by yourself, or a delicious healthy meal that you’ll actually eat slowly with delight and pleasure, or even be playful in the bedroom, where you feel safe to explore and try new things with your partner or maybe even on your own. Whatever it is, I see so many of us, mamas taking on the role of “the responsible one” too seriously and too rigidly!! I say this mostly to myself! Just yesterday I’ve had this moment where I was quickly spiraling into victimhood and resentment when I stopped myself and decided to enroll my kids and hubby and allow them to help me. For years I have been so strict and controlling how things are done and that I am the only one who has to do all of those things, no one cares, I just have to suck it up and wait until my kids are older. But my older two girls are already 9 and 7 and now I know they are ready, more than ready to help. I do think that paying for help is the way to go when kids are very young, but once they are 5 and up they can definitely help. Nowadays my kids help me with the laundry, cleaning, dishes, dressing and undressing my toddler and I can finally exhale and focus on the things that I want. Is it always smooth and perfect? Nope, it isn’t. But I’m ok with that. Not only is this a huge help for me this is also my way of gifting them with essential life skills. So, mamas stop doing all the things by yourself and enroll your family members into your health mission, allow them to help you, even if it’s done not up to your standards, show them that their help is instrumental to you and to the success of your household. This is how we help our kids feel they belong and they are a part of something greater than their immediate and selfish needs. Give up control and step into freedom.
  • The other thing Jessica learned today was to return back to menstruation as soon as she can so that her body can resent and work like it’s designed to. If you, like Jessica, have opted out of menstruation by choice I highly encourage you to reconsider this decision. Although I am not a traditional Chinese medicine practitioner or an Ayurvedic practitioner, I’ve studied and researched enough about it to tell you that these eastern medical systems view the health of a woman completely differently.
  • Ladies, I’m super pumped to invite you to join The January round of The Health Begins With Mom Mastery Experience which is a 6 months incubator to help you break free from anything that is holding you back from shining your true light. In Jessica’s case, she’d join to learn how to take care of herself in a way that feels sustainable and feed herself and her family at the same time (I say “feed” both literally and figuratively as we need to feed ourselves in other ways as well as food and nutrition). This can be done! This is my sacred work and how I help mothers to raise healthier families starting with themselves. What you’ve heard today is an example of how I work with women and how each coaching session sounds and feels like. In this program, I am going to hold your hand and together we are going to do the work you are afraid to do on your own. I will mother you, love on you, nurture you, teach you how to eat in alignment with your feminine energy, balance your hormones, you’ll finally shed that weight you’ve been craving to shed, but you’ll do that with soul and without sacrificing your joy. You’ll expand your emotional mastery container, learn how to negotiate with your inner critic, heal your mother wound and become the women, wife, and mother deep down inside you know you are destined to be. This work is sacred and it is dedicated to your healing. I want you to take a stand for yourself courageously so that you can show up your very best as a woman, wife, and mother. If this is something you would like to explore, head of over to www.healthbeginswithmom.com/apply and we’ll get on the phone to see if we’re a good fit.

If you enjoy this show and feel called to help me share this message with more moms and women please write an honest review on iTunes! This is the best way of showing your appreciation and also showing me that you care about this message and these words help you become a better version of you as a woman, wife and a mother. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you for being a listener and for showing up for choosing yourself every single day, because guess what, you matter. You are worthy. You are divine. You are a child of God. Sending you much love and healing. See you next time!

Show Notes

Alissa Vitti’s book Women Code

Dr. Christiane Northrup’s books I recommend:

Women’s Body’s Women’s Wisdom 

The Wisdom of Menopause: Creating Physical and Emotional Health During the Change

Goddesses Never Age

Making Life Easy: How the Divine Inside Can Heal Your Body and Your Life

Lunar Abundance by Ezzie Spencer 

Balance Your Hormones, Balance Your Life by Dr. Claudia Welch, MSOM